fashion...turn to the left

fancy people ride the train.

ex. 1 - awesome dude with a beard in two braids...with green ball ponytail holders at the end. BALLER.

ex. 2 - older man in a hawaiian shirt with a button missing to where his hairy belly button was peeking at me.

ex. 3 - woman sits next to me sporting a black shower cap with ruffles around the edge....i guess sometimes you gotta deep condition on the go.

back in the [crack] habit

though i have not updated in a while, please believe that there have been some colorful events on the cta. abandoned thongs in the stairwell, people getting phone jacked, and cta employees once again trying to holla while on the clock - just to name a few.

today a crackhead couple were being lovey dovey, giving each other toothless kisses, touching their crusty lips to the others greasy face. it kind of made me smile on the inside [there's someone for everyone!]...until the woman decided that it was also a good time to squeeze out blackheads from her nose. the guy wasn't into it, but she kept squeezing away and i silently panicked and thought of all the other foul things that transpire on the train.

no matter how hard i scrub, i'll never get clean.

dumps like a truck

8:45am red line -

girl gets off at chicago and state

man with lazy eye turns to the guy behind him and says: "nice ass, huh"

the guy nods in agreement.

the guy with the unemployed eye then proceeds to gawk at me with his good eye.


creeps.

8:30am red line:

two overly tan broads and two meatheads in cubs jerseys - all drinking bottles of miller light.

if they knew any better, they would know that bud light is the official cubs beer...the urine flavor is tastier and less filling.

dang, i didn't know i was that repulsive...

shout out to the dude sitting next to me on the green line - thanks for barfing everywhere.

i couldn't tell if it was too much bacardi or swine flu, but i'm gonna go douse myself in bleach.

just when i think i won't have anything funny or outrageous to post...

as i headed down the stairs from state and lake this morning, i saw a balled up black cloth on the steps...as i got closer, i realized it was a thong just hanging out on the steps, looking dirty and used....probably like its former owner.

sounds like the ultimate walk of shame - the shame train express. toot toot.

open wide...

i thought someone was snoring on the green line - until i looked up and realized that some dude was a hella mouth breather [if you don't know what that is/what it looks like... see p. diddy]. he had his trap wide open, taking all the air and being real loud about it.

the guy freestyle rapping to himself on the red line made up for it.

REPRESENT

if i had a hundo-and-a-half, these suckas would be mine...and i don't even like reeboks.

http://www.leaders1354.com/?p=1736

mah ringtonez, i plays it for you

Props to the dude who played his multiple ringtone snippets and sang along. I was beginning to feel like listening to my ipod wasn't enough...and then you came along with your cellular telephone and sang all the current hits on 106 and park.

THANK YOU.

oh it burns!

yesterday i watched a girl splash hot coffee* on her face as the train lurched to a start before she sat down.


* That's what she gets for buying coffee from mickey d's - dunkin' donuts por vida.


Also, does anyone else feel like their hair might catch on fire from those heating lamps? note to self: easy on the product.

I'm quite sure that the woman sitting next to me on the green line was drinking beer from the blue cup she had....miller high life to be exact*




* I'm just that good

let me clear mah throat...

When i was headed northbound on the redline this morning, a girl was sitting across from me while i was standing - which is typical behavior when you are on a train, to you know, like, sit and stuff. But then she whipped out her coco butter stick and proceeded to rub the stick on her lips, then around her lips, then the entire bottom part of her face. WHUT?!

Don't get me wrong, i'm all about moisturizing. it's one of those important things that will be the determining factor of whether or not you will be a cougar in your later years or just an old wrinkly hag. I was just dumbfounded by her doing it in public in such a dramatic way and all around her face. No one likes chapped lips, but it wasn't deathly cold with windchills for her to really need to smear the butta on her cheeks. I'm sorry babygirl, but that is not the business.

What was worse, is that after she completed her "beauty regimen", she proceeded to hack, snort and whinny for the next two stops until i got off the train. As far as i know, she could still be channeling the aura of mr. ed. And though some mistake the train as a toilet, rubbing coco butter on your mug and hacking up phlegm is best left for your own bathroom.

"They push that girl in front of a train Took her to a doctor, sewed the arm on again"

Some real grandmaster flash shit overheard on the train today:

Apparently, a girl got her hand caught in the door and stayed that way from Laramie to Central on the green line. That's only one stop, but even one second caught in a death grip is too long. The emergency release didn't work when pulled and when the conductor was paged to open the door, he couldn't because the train was already in motion.

I immediately stopped cursing the gods for not making my train go express.

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After hearing this, a noticed someone quietly singing along to their ipod. It was a black girl [I'm going to assume a girl...with a fade...and men's clothing]. When I got up to leave, I noticed that she was totally rocking out to some Melissa Ethridge video. Nice.

spread 'em

A man [that I would assume was homeless] on the redline last night decided to have a snack. Chunky peanut butter and saltine crackers - using a pair of orange scissors as his "knife".

I never thought of scissors as a way to get your spread on ["Yo man, lemme get a lil of that brie wit deez fiskars"], but I really admired the guy for his creativity in spite of his limited resources. A couple sitting across from him weren't as impressed...they decided that staring in disgust was better form. So I stared at them for staring...they didn't like it.


There was another dude at the other end of the car talking jive with random people next to him [who were nice enough to entertain his conversation]. He was rocking some RayBan knock offs and carrying a pink backpack. At one point, he took off his shades and exclaimed "I'm a lil handsome, ain't I?!?!". His audience agreed.

to serve, protect and bemuse...

You will randomly find cops and CTA security [usually with guard dogs] wandering around or on the train to I guess bust up impromptu craps games, break dancin' and car-hopping.

My current favorite incidences with Chicago's finest [and it's red-headed step cousin, CTA security] are:

Today a cop was sitting on a bench in the subway....with a full on ski-mask. I didn't realize he was a cop until I saw the gun in its holster and uniform [and it's still possible he wasn't a real cop, since people in this city like to play dress up]. It looked super sketchy and it was only 40 degrees, which is not a just cause to look like a cat burglar/S&M dungeon master....grow a pair buddy.


A few weeks ago, CTA security was coming up the stairs with two German shepherds. One of the doggies wizzed on the stairs while one of the guys tried to holla. Good work.

don't stop 'til you get enough...

My weekend travels on the CTA were quite underwhelming in the sense that I wasn't peed on or groped. But a subway performer caught my eye as I headed to the Aragon [yeah, I like Morrissey...but I'll kick your ass too]. He was setting up as I waited at State and Lake. He seemed to like leather.

boots: leather
pants: leather
shirt....leather
jacket....leather
hat: yeah, leather.

I could see the boots and maybe the pants [if you still swagger-jack Rick James' style circa "Super Freak" era and think that the Jerri-Curl is a legit hairstyle], but I imagine that this man got dressed that day and said to himself "hmmm....needs sum mo leatha".

Now I would rant about how many cows had to die for this dude to look super busted....but he was really skinny - to where it would probably take his entire "ensemble" to make me a skirt.....so I'll spare everyone.

Train Textz...

I have a few friends who don't live in Chicago that I text whenever some ridiculous shit goes on while I'm on the CTA. One of them just reminded me of two:

1. Around 9pm, I was walking into the Chicago red line subway. As I shuffled down the stairs, a midget with gap teeth opened his mouth into a wide smile and said "hola" to me as he ascended up the escalator.

2. I'm currently intrigued by a train operator who I occassionally see operating the green line. He's cute, but he seriously looks like an ex-vato latin king thug with some sort of neck tatt and piercings. He looks like he would stab someone for going between train cars. *STAB* "No going between train cars, mang! Dis mah train!"**

This makes me wonder if ice-heads are also operating trains...Chicago is pretty fucked up, so probably.

**Since people like to holla at me and be creepers on the train, I'm going to start doing the same thing. If anyone has any suggestions on how to holla at a straight thuggin' choo-choo operator, please share. All I've got so far is making him tamales or pressing the emergency/handicap button and reciting my number to him.

So, what is this all about?

I've lived in the Chicago area for about six months and I [like many people] commute to work by the CTA trains. I can get to just about anywhere in the city without needing a car - I have lived in cities where public transportation was non-existent, so I was stoked. I learned quickly that instead of worrying about whether or not I was going to get shot in the face, I should be wondering about who would amuse or piss me off that day. I've finally decided to write about the hilarious things I see or experience because most of the time, it's too good not to share.

A few things that have happened/i've seen before are :

At least two dudes have burped in my face...one was a crazy homeless dude...and the other was some suit clicking away on his Blackberry.

I have been "holla'd" at by dudes, including CTA employees on the clock. My favorites were the guy who told me he could show me the world. He told me that right after he just set up a date with a girl on the phone. The other was a train operator who slowed down and stared at me while he pulled into Clark and Lake.

I always heard talk about people peeing in the subway/on the train. On monday, IT HAPPENED - I was about to get on the escalator to exit the red line subway, when some dude was peeing next to it. It was 6pm.

My favorite wingut subway performer is the dude with the stuffed tiger [it wears bling!] - the guy raps to eye of the tiger and jams out. I try to take spy pictures of him b/c he fasinates me.


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So, my goal is to blog about the stuff I find noteable. Like when some broad decides to stank up the entire car with some ribz. gotta love it.